Direction.

“My force of habit, I am an insect”- Magazine, Song From Under The Floorboards.

Three weeks of holiday have passed leaving me with one more week before time is up. During the weeks passed, I had tried to correct my habits which I feel are a few of the many things wrong myself. The result? Miserable failure. Maybe I was naive to think that 4 weeks could change the umpteen years of bad habits or the lack of good ones.

My course of action was simple. Bad habits out, good habits in. This meant letting my Twitter account die a slow and honorable death, spending less time facing the screen, start reading beyond news and bulletins, learn and exercise, all of which were to be done on a daily basis. Recently I had also decided to start writing not only as an outlet for my thoughts but also because it helps me organise them while hopefully improving my language skills.

All of these were backed up by substantial enough reasons which I believed could serve as motivation for me. Spending less time at the social circuses that are Twitter and Facebook meant I could invest more of my time in activities which could make me a better person. Reading exposes me to the vast knowledge of the intelligent authors, learning something new like a foreign language could be beneficial in the future and exercise makes the body and the mind tick. It really was that simple, or so I thought. Do this because it’s good for me, and avoid that because it’s bad.

Like every attempt to change the way we live our lives no matter how small, our mind starts to get excited at the idea of breaking that little chain of successful days in favor whatever different the day presents. If you can do it for six days, surely you’ll have no problems doing it longer later on? Couple that with my top-notch ability to get distracted by the littlest and unlikeliest of things and there you have it, the recipe to failure and doom.

It could help a lot if there is an ultimate goal towards which I am working, but sadly there is none. My lack of direction in life thus far is something I deeply regret. I wake up every morning desperately looking for a strong reason to own and hold on to only to end up kicking myself at night for failing to find that reason.

I used to scorn at people who had strong, worldly material desires which they see as the pinnacle of success. Little did I know that not only am I worse off than them, I was also wrong to judge in the first place. Everyone has different dreams which mean a lot to each individual and which they own every right to chase. Material success doesn’t excite me much, and at this moment in time it seems that nothing does. I guess at the end of the day all I want is to be remembered by the people around me as a top man, a good guy.

Which all falls back to the very idea of good habits and actions. As I type I have 8 other tabs open, and after this I am most likely to get lost in the World Wide Web, voraciously clicking links after links and Google whatever runs through the back of my mind. After which I will realize that I have wasted the whole afternoon and all I have left is the rest of the day to complete my tasks, which to be honest, is too much of a stretch.

Sometimes I can’t help but feel that I have become an animal, someone whose behavior and habits have been ingrained into his genetic make-up. However deep inside I long for that change, and I know I am capable of it. Maybe I just need more time.

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