The Fear

To be honest life for me isn’t at its best right now. I guess that’s a pretty fitting way to end this year, with all the shit that it has presented me with. Well I guess I can’t blame anyone else for it, only myself. I’m back from a 5-day Phuket trip which was, to be honest, one which was doomed to fail from the start but nonetheless gave me a learning experience I wouldn’t trade with anything in this world. I learnt things that I would never have learnt by staying here and I have also came to reality, something which I thought I have avoided for long enough. If anything the 5-day trip really felt like this weird dream you can’t call a nightmare or a sweet dream.

So many has changed when I was away. My family seemed really happy now, arguing and fighting less. My sister has moved on to become even more girly and naughty. It annoys me more often than not, but its our first time having a girl in the house. My parents really wanted a girl I guess and I should be happy for them.

Recently I have been experiencing moments of anxiety and insecurity. Feel really lousy about myself. I think about myself and all I imagine in my mind is this really powerless and useless person. I have done nothing to deserve all that I have got and I really hope my parents know that. Sometimes I just wish they said “No” to me once in a while. The more they give the more I feel indebted to them in a way I don’t even know how to repay.

I could repay them with good grades, but I am no longer 9. This is not how things work at this point in life. I guess that is what’s wrong for the past 3 years. All I’ve ever done is to chase those elusive grades that could help me get into college repay my parents, like an all encompassing ticket to redemption and greatness in life. Three years. And I still don’t think I can make it. I see people my age who have got through rather effortlessly in 2 years. Effortlessly is not true though, I think I use it very often to lie to myself that there are geniuses out there. There really aren’t. At some point or another someone has to work hard to achieve what they want. I guess I’m really stupid, thick as shit solely because I did nothing remotely close to hard work despite realizing that it is key. Hard work is key. Yes, that is right. Yet over and over and over again all I do is sit on my laurels and pretend that I am destined for greatness. Like fuck I am.

I woke up yesterday at grandma’s to the sound of all of them having lots of fun. People who cared for me since I was a round baby to what I am now. People who would never forget me no matter how long I have disappeared. Immediately I broke down and I couldn’t control my emotions for a moment. I imagined every single on of their faces as happy as they could be, my aunts, my cousin, grandparents, siblings, parents. I cried for I dread the time we will cease to have each other, because there is so much they have done for me that I could never return with anything I have in my hands or my heart.

I regret that I have grown into someone my parents haven’t raised up to become. I regret that my 3 younger siblings do not have an inspiring figure in their brother to look up to. As such I guess I have failed as the eldest son in the house. The worse thing is at almost 20 feel that time is running out for me. I have bought time with an extra year of A levels and soon I’m bound for service. That makes me 22 when I can finally move on without good grades and probably without a college to go to and worse of all without a goal, a career in mind.

I thought of my siblings and how I have been scolding them time after time for not being up to my ‘standard’ when I was their age, for not behaving or achieving grades like I did. And then I realize that the boy I was, they did not see. They see me for what I am now, the brother which their parents always talk highly about for no reason which they could find. Life must have been unfair for them.

I gather the only way for it to be fair is for all the praise to be warranted, all of which I have to prove I deserve. Apart from my awaited results which are expected to be dire, I have nothing to give for the next 2 years.

Looking at what my peers are capable of makes me feel really inferior. In the pursuit of grades I have totally forgot to invest in my mind and soul. I haven’t become a better person by any measure and I know nothing that could be beneficial to life in the future. No skills, no knowledge. At least I could have studied hard and get good grades and a good cert while I was at it but I didn’t and I’m not going to when the results fly in. At the end of the day all I’ve got is nothing.

Life right now is as low and as dark as the deepest valley surrounded by the tallest mountains. I realize trying to climb them straight away could kill me, but nothing is worse than sitting and just thinking about the mountains like I have done for a long time. They will never get any less tall. The best thing to do is to prepare myself for one hell of a climb.