Faaaaaaaaark
Have got more problems than I can ever think of. Makes me wish I could sleep all of them away. But surprise surprise I can’t do that can I?
Imbecile
I’ve learnt not to judge and I’ve learnt not to hate. But I just can’t stand people with a sense of delusion larger than life to the extent I just wish I could bash that delusion out of their head.
I can’t take it anymore. Seriously, get a fucking life. I could pass on some of my common sense to you for starters.
Here’s to a better tomorrow.
“I, I will be King/And you, you will be Queen/Though nothing will drive them away/We can be heroes for just one day/We can be us for just one day” -David Bowie, Heroes
The catalyst for thought.
(This is gonna be long, the music would help)
I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I’ve got big problems in my hands and these are not the kind of superficial problems not worth thinking about.
I’ve been thinking about the future. They say it’s no point thinking about the future but I’m talking about the near future here. How near? What if I say if it’s in a few months? Or weeks? Days? Or how about tomorrow? So yeah, hear me out.
I’ve accepted the fact that I might never be able to get into a public University. The only reason why I’m still studying is to push my grades as high as it can go. I know what I want to do and where I want to go and I really want to do it. So what’s the worry? Thing is, I’m really not sure how my parents will react to it. Or how I’m going to break the news in the first place. I don’t want my parents to think that I have failed because I see it coming months before it happened. What I want to do after this probably costs a lot of money. That’s the fucked up thing. You either get to a Local U or you’re fucked, unless you’re a rich kid. Which, I am obviously not. I don’t want to be a burden. I’ve got three siblings and I expect to be the least of my parent’s problems.
And it doesn’t help that I don’t enjoy a good relationship with my parents, although it doesn’t show on the surface. It’s like for all these years I do what they want and I get what I want. But this clearly becomes a problem when it can no longer go that way. Because when I get older what I want isn’t anything they can get off the shelves anymore. We can’t sit down and negotiate because we’ve never done that. That win-win relationship now ceases to exist. Its either I win and they lose or vice versa. This is a serious problem because they need to realise that I really want to do this. I’m willing to go to any length to make sure it works out, IF I get their support, get what I mean? Its just that I find it so hard to have a good talk with them, its impossible.
Retain? What makes me think I can pull it off if I have a second go? And I’m pretty sure myself I don’t want to go through the same shit.
I will be enlisted into the Army come February next year. Come think of it, I don’t really mind anymore. It’s just that I’m afraid I would lose so much in the 2 years I’m away.
Then comes the band. This is worth my time thinking about because my future very much depends on the band as much as it depends on my education. How much can we do in the next three months before I become a recruit? And what happens after? But let’s not go too far. Right now, from the way I see it, we’re in a mess. Opportunities coming our way but we might not be able to make the most of them because we’re not sorted out ourselves. I hope it’s really our work holding us back and not our own selves. On my own part yeah I don’t initiate stuff but I make sure I’m always there when I’m needed and that I don’t hinder whatever progress we’re going through. The thing is I’m really worried because if all these fail I’m afraid we only have ourselves to blame.
I’ve also been worrying a lot about my health lately. I’ve been experiencing some symptoms which scared the shit out of me. I’m doing all I can now to rid of all these and hope it’s nothing serious. I hope I don’t have to visit the doctor. The thought of it is scaring the fuck out of me I swear.
The biggest problem is the one coming really soon. With regards to my A levels I know I’m fighting a lost cause. No matter how much motivation anyone could give me, I know what’s going to happen. This isn’t defeatism, this is reality. The funny thing is I don’t see the difference between these two anymore. I’m not ready to see disappointed faces but it’s beyond my control.
I’ve reached a point where all I can do is think about all these, find no solution, then start cursing everyone and everything then start cursing myself. I’m in trouble and the only help I need is one that nobody can offer.
Good to be back.
I’m gonna start blogging on this very blog again. There’s some sort of attachment I feel to this blog. Didn’t feel the same way with Blogger even though it seemed that I enjoyed it quite.
Enough of the bollox.
Just saying I’m back, but not really back. ‘A’ levels in 2 weeks time so being here shall be the last thing on my mind.
Come 30 Nov I’ll be kickin’.
themanwhowouldbeking
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